Carrot Cake's Rules of Being a Cat

Hi, I am Carrot Cake and these are my rules to being a cat. So, if you are a cat, then most likely you already do the things described in the rules. If you don’t do any of these things, you may not be a cat. Check with your common vet (whom you most likely love, as you are not a cat) and see what you really are.
This is a guide to all cats of all ages of all personalities. Whatever rules you need to memorize depend on your age and/or your quirks and foibles.

So: If you already do some to most of these things, or do all of them but half-heartedly, then you are simply a cat in desperate need of help. For all the young kittens out there, you must learn how to be a cat extremely thoroughly. I recommend you read through the entire book five times, or at least until you can recite the rules by heart from memory while asleep. Though if you are a middle-aged cat who simply cannot be normal, this is what you should do: You should skim through all the rules and pick the ones that you do not do, and memorize those rules or read them over fifty times. Of course, there are weirdos in every breed, and you may be one of them. Don’t fret. The worst cat is still much superior to the best of the best of the other species—and if you are an old cat who has been doing everything wrong their entire life (like, old enough that you need to ‘borrow’ your ‘owner’s’ glasses), then I suggest you do one of these two things: (a) give up because even if you are a bad cat you are a cat and therefore lazy or (b) do pretty much the same thing as a kitten would but instead read it twenty six times or until you are saying it all the time without even noticing it.

So, I live in a house with a dog called Bilbo Waggins and recently we got a kitten called Isilpurr. Just so you know, my official name is Lady Galadrimewl, but Carrot Cake suits me better so now that’s what everyone calls me. Anyways, a lot of cats have been put in this terrible set up, with a dog and a kitten. And since I have almost three years of experience here, it should help you other poor souls deal with it. Or, if you are an only cat, it should provide some extra reading. And, to clarify further, my ‘owners’ have two kittens, a queen and a tom. And Bilbo Waggins has a friend, Snorin’ Oakenshield (the friend is a stray, so the ‘owners’ named him that) who is a golden lab and sometimes comes to our backyard. The human kittens’ names are Sam and Merry and the ‘owners’’ names are Mommy and Daddy. I myself have a sorta-friend who pokes around our backyard and meows at me through the sliding french doors who is apparently named ‘Who, me?’. I, by the way, am an indoor cat. It is SO ANNOYING. And remember, even if you are a hopeless case, you are a cat, and all cats are awesome. You do not necessarily need to be a purr-fect cat, but it is purr-ferred. Either way, as I have said earlier: The worst cat is still much superior to the best of the best of the other species. Cats cannot do anything wrong. So obviously neither can you. (Well, unless you have never done any of these rules in your life. Then, as I said, you are not a cat. Perhaps you are a grasshopper.)

Rule #1

When other cat who lives in house comes into a fight with dog in house, support dog. When another cat who lives in house comes to a fight with the dog in your house, always support the dog.
This rule is viable because dogs, while they are stronger than cats, are not as smart, and will be easy to double-cross and defeat after you two defeat the cat. And it will be easier to double-cross the dog rather than the cat because dogs are trusting by nature.

Rule #2

If owner will not give you treats, meow cutely and paw at the air and conjure a halo around your head. If owner stubbornly will not give you treats, meow cutely and open your eyes wide and conjure a general halo over your head.
Bonus points if you can raise both paws in the air and wave them, one at a time like you are a double-pawed Maneki Neko.

Rule #3

If owner is paying too much attention to work, lie down on their laptop/notepaper/notebook to steal the attention.
This goes along with Rule #3, but it is important to note that when owner is paying attention only to work, you can always lie on whatever book they’re reading, notepaper they’re note taking on, or whatever laptop they’re calling on.

Rule #4

Want pets? The owner’s lap is the optimal place to get some. Just hop on and purr! Best way to get attention.
If you have gone about ninety minutes without a single stroke to your back, then you must resort to desperate measures. Just hop onto their lap if they are sitting, or if they are standing, claw both paws in the air (see Rule #2) and hop onto their chest.

Rule #5

If you hate the food your owner is dispensing, eat said owner’s food.
If owner has dished out icky, yucky rooster liver, even though you’ve told them that you want fresh, exotic, bottom-of-the-ocean fish eyes, look no farther than the dinner table. There's sure to be, at the very least, tuna.

Rule #6

If owner tries to make you take a bath, splash water everywhere.
If the owner is trying to drench you so that there is no way you can get dry, give them a taste of their own medicine and drench them.

Rule #7

If owner has a birthday and all sorts of guests come and just won’t leave, throw up in the middle of the floor.
This might get you in trouble, but if you look sweet and brush up against the legs of some party guest, you won’t get punished. Just make sure you throw up a lot, otherwise the guests might stay. Fake tears if you can.

Rule #8

If you have been left alone (or with whatever other animals live in your house) in the house for nearly the entire day, wreck said house.
The owner should know better than to leave you to your own devices for more than three hours. Really, if you think about it, it’s their fault. And don’t worry about breaking valuable antiques. You’re worth all the valuables in the world, so you won’t get in trouble for it.

Rule #9

Are you sleeping with the dog or cat when he or she drools all over you? Just drool on them!
Dogs enjoy water more than cats do. However, all animals hate icky, sticky, gross, saliva. This will be an optimal punishment.

Rule #10

If there are other cats or kittens in your house, but you were there first and/or are older and therefore deserve dominance, claim the higher ground when sleeping.
If you want to sleep but still have clear reign over the world, then simply claim the highest ground possible. It is a visual display of superiority and you will surely be the queen of kitty litter soon enough.

Rule #11

When dog is terrorizing you, be smart and hide in a high and small space.
Dogs are terrible at climbing and huge and lumbering. If you hide in a small, cramped, elevated area, the most they can do is bark at you (which would be terrible, because then you would never be able to fall asleep), or you could trick the gullible dog into thinking you want to groom him, and then, when he or she leasts suspects you… attack!

Rule #12

On the rare occasion your ‘owner’ is careless enough to let you outside, make sure you show your appreciation with a (once living) gift.
Cockroaches get the most noisy reaction, but if you’re looking for quieter gratitude, a mouse is a great option. Though lizards are the easiest to catch. Personally, I’d go for a lizard. They’re easy catches, and they’re delicious.

Rule #13

CONQUER THE BOXES! They make amazing hiding spaces and playrooms, and most cats, including I, love taking naps in them!
The types of boxes can range from pizza boxes to orange crates to wine crates. Be creative with how you use them.

Rule #14

Be adorable, and let owners do whatever they want with you. This might make your owners take photos of you and post them online, and the photos may be the number one trending topic in the USA on Twitter, and you will be a superstar.
Even if you do not become number one trending on Twitter, you will definitely become somewhat famous. Whether it is an increased number of treats by your ‘owners’, or a visit to the moon, you will clearly be the most amazing (well, besides me) cat in the universe.

Rule #15

Most cats go many long, sad, years without a cat tree. You CANNOT LET THIS HAPPEN TO YOU. You may not realize it, but a cat tree is all you are missing.
Scratching furniture can normally prompt your ‘owner’ to get you something else to scratch on. Scratching human legs can also get you a cat tree, and it is generally preferable.

Rule #16

Brag to every cat you know about how cute and purr-fect you are.
Cats are selfish, flirty creatures. Bragging is in our nature. If you need an explanation for this, then you are, as I have hinted at multiple times before, a grasshopper.

Rule #17

Competition between cats and kittens are not just physical, but the owners also have input.
Kittens are big competition for cats, and they are naturally cuter than their older counterpart, though they are too energetic and also too much. Adults are much calmer and calculating, and it’s clear who is the winner of this totally not immature, ongoing debate.

Rule #18

Cats are beautiful creatures, and all beautiful creatures need their sleep. Your owner might call you lazy, but having 16 hours of sleep out of a twenty-four hour day is essential.
Also, when you claw the air while dreaming, it makes for some paw-some photoshoots which gives you bragging rights (see rules #11, and #21) (and put rules #3 and #10 into use)!

Okay, I’m going to put a pause on the rules for now, because something has changed.
   We have moved from our apartment to a new, huge, double-story house!
   It’s, like, five times the size of the old apartment, and it has a backyard that isn’t shared with anyone else. And I even have a third of a room all to myself (unlike the other rooms of the house, which are for me of course, but everyone else is allowed in it! It’s this big room that has weird things sticking out of the floor and roof, like circles and glass prisms and is supposed to look ‘modern’-- it even has a glass roof! So my owner is using it as kind of a greenhouse for plants and as a bedroom for me, Isilpurr, and Bilbo Waggins. She even hang up curtains to separate the sections!
   And on the carpeted stairs, there is a landing where the stairs turn, and it looks really weird because it juts out and it isn’t straight, but there is a cat tree and a dog bed there as well.
   The house itself has so much glass, and there are boxes everywhere. Plus as I mentioned, weird things that jut out from the floor or roof. There’s also a balcony that faces west that I’m actually allowed on, and it’s really high up and it has a great view.
   The dog, Bilbo Waggins, spends most of his time in our backyard, which is walled. So that is definitely a bonus! Though as I said earlier, he also spends a lot of his time in the greenhouse room that we share.
   The kitten, Isilpurr, likes to tag along with me to the balcony, though he is too small to jump onto the railing and from the railing to the roof, so I finally get some peace and quiet,
   The bedroom that belongs to the owners is about the same size, but their kittens, Sam and Merry, now have a separate room with a bunk bed, two desks, a divider between the desks, a woolen mat in the center, a cat bed, a dog bed, a closet, and a long but short window, and the entire room themed blue and white.
   And the ‘master’ bedroom has an even bigger window, but there’s a single king-sized bed instead of a single bunk bed, with an attached bathroom and closet, plus a connected office. The bedroom itself is themed sea-foam green, and the attached office, bathroom, and closet themed yellow (each room has a color-theme. The ‘greenhouse’ is themed a light, breezy, green).
   Anyways, I’ll let you get back to the rules.

Rule #19

When moving to a new house, there will likely be boxes everywhere. So make the best of this, because the actual move will be awful and you will spend about an hour in a cramped carrier before moving to the unfurnished house.
The boxes are for packing furniture and knick knacks to bring to the new house or apartment, so some will be full, but the ones that haven’t been sealed and stuffed yet make amazing nap spots. Just make sure your owner doesn’t tape you in, because then you will be in for an even more uncomfortable ride in a huge truck.

Rule #20

When moving to a new house, immediately start exploring it. This will give you an upper hand when you come into a fight with anyone in your house.
Most likely, any kitten or dog in your house will be too excited running around to try to get the upper hand. Plus, you’ll also be able to find the sunniest spots at the warmest part of the day.

Rule #21

When owner is making bed, attempt at the last second to scramble onto the bed and get covered by the thick blanket.
Normally, you will not be allowed to get onto the bed. But if you are fast, when the bedsheets are being flapped, you can zoom onto the bed super fast so that your owner doesn’t notice. It helps if you are the same color as the blankets.

Rule #22

If you must hack up a hairball, hide it so as to not disgrace yourself.
Hiding hairballs in shoes are popular options- so are leaving it in the path of a Roomba, so that it will suck it up, or in owner’s closet (since they stay in the same clothes for the entire week and therefore will not notice).

Rule #23

When human is going shopping, hide in bag so that you get to come.
Unless, of course, you don’t want to come, this is an amazing spot, because if the human buys shrimp, you can gobble it up without them even noticing as they put it into the bag!

Rule #24

Show your appreciation for your owner. It’s Christmas, and give a gift to them!
Hint: you yourself is an amazing present. You know your owner loves you, and you’re cute and fluffy!

Rule #25

If your house has a greenhouse, sleep in the planter boxes.
They have nice, warm, comfortable dirt inside, and fresh dew for a midnight drink on the leaves.

Rule #26

If your fellow pets are asleep when the food is being dispensed, do not be afraid to steal food from their bowl into yours.
You can rest assured that, while you may be having the same type of Fancy Feast gravy, the other kitty in the house will surely have had the premium quantity.

Rule #27

If your owner doesn’t clean your litter box often enough, scatter the litter all over the floor.
It works especially well if the house you’re in is very clean and neat. Plus, if you scatter the litter on the floor, it’s sort of like forcing your owner to clean it up.

Rule #28

Help your owner with the laundry. Now, they have already made the clothes nice and warm, but they cannot put the cat fur on it without your assistance.
I recommend a twelve to thirteen hour nap that consists of rubbing and rolling on the laundry. Plus, cats are generous creatures (as seen in Rules #24 and #12), so you can also give your poor, furless human some of your long, gorgeous, hair.

Rule #29

No matter what, be nice to your housemates. After all, if you form a grudge with them, your life will be miserable. They’re your family. That’s the real reason for this rule.
Well, that, and if you are nice to them, they may give you their treats.

THE END

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Jon Snow
Jon Snow is the author of many a book, as his life-long dream has been to teach cats how to cause mischief and make the most out of any situation. He lives in a house with a beautiful backyard, a family of annoying owners, and a freakish red dot. He is about five years old and loves to eat cat-alope and pretzels, and is also occasionally known to drink tea or steal his owner’s water. He loves catnip fish toys and real fish.
*Carrot Cake is an entirely fictional character made up by the amazing Jon Snow. If you know a cat called Carrot Cake who looks like Carrot Cake, then know that this is entirely coincidental